The Business of Career.
I’ve been contemplating my business and what’s not quite working.
For a start, when people ask me what I do, I have no idea what to tell them. Do they want the woo version, or the superficial version? Is there away for me to speak to who I am and what I do and make it more practical, while also planting seeds of curiosity to the magic that is inherent in my offerings?
And what do I do? Because that in itself can be difficult to answer. Often times it depends on what the person in front of me needs.
And then I have to ask, is what I’m offering this person what I really want to be offering? Does it meet my needs? Is it ultimately fulfilling to the greater work I hope to bring to the world?
So that is all under review. Expect some changes in branding and offerings come 2024.
In my toolbox exists a plethora of skills, on my wall a multitude of personal and professional “hats” I can wear. And yet in designing my life, I stare at these facets of me and I scratch my head, asking “but is there just one hat I can put on and wear all the time?”
Perhaps that would make me easier to digest. Maybe that would make me easier to market.
What I offer is an extension of what I personally have navigated, and I think I often teach in retrospect, rather than from in the moment. The retrospective point of view gives off an air of mastery, while speaking to the lessons from the moment makes me feel a bit more untrained.
Showcasing my current personal lessons feels intrusive but I also recognize the benefit of this type of transparency. Learning and healing is an on-going journey and, as I often teach, it is circular, spiraling upwards in our evolutionary advancement towards greater and more expanded states of embodiment.
At times we can also feel collapse and contraction, but like the baby making its way from the womb, such agitations are required for our rebirths.
So I’m giving the in-the-moment, vulnerable personal expression a go.
A friend recently posted a visual of a ball rolling down a flat but slightly sloped surface, running parallel to a ball rolling across a similar trajectory yet including much more slopes and inclines. The latter ball moved much more quickly across the track, even though it occasionally dipped and had to make the upward climb again and again.
It suggested that while an easy life may seem straight forward, we actually have the potential to get much farther in our successes as we are propelled through our experiential ups and downs.
So, if you’re like me, take heart that even if you find yourself in moments that feel a bit tougher, or bland, or confusing, or sad, or whatever it is that you may be experiencing, these experiences do not speak to a lack of your worth or ability.
Instead, looking from the bird’s eye view, we see this place is merely an important stepping stone in the grander scheme of your life’s unfolding.
The Business of the Heart.
Healing, as many of us come to find, is not a linear journey. Listening to Dr. Joe Dispensa recently, someone asked him (I paraphrase) ‘just how long does it take to heal?’ In response he said something along the lines of, “Well, consider how long it took you to get sick in the first place.”
Our illnesses, of mind, body and soul, our dis-eases, don’t develop overnight. It’s not quite like a cold you catch in passing, although trauma can sometimes seem to accumulate that way. More often than not we’re blindsided by circumstances that were slowly building for some time.
It can happen when we meet someone new or find ourselves in a particular opportunity where we merrily skip, tumble and fall, and one day as we climb out we look back, bewildered.
I once had an experience like that, short-lived really, maybe half a year. But in that time I let someone into my life, a wolf in sheep’s clothing so to say. When the reveal finally came I had already opened my doors and the wolf had made itself at home. It pushed me out of where I was living with a pack on my back and a shattered heart that never quite healed properly.
I’ve been feeling my way around that scarred heart tissue, a literal physical pain in my chest that never quite healed right. The heart you see is not just a physical place in our bodies. Energetically, it is like an antennae. When properly set, it expands our energy field outwards, allowing for a naturally expanded, joyous state.
When wounded, it creates fragmentation and distortion in the field.
We can make due with the wound, limping along from experience to experience. In doing so you may notice the picture of life doesn’t come in quite as clear as it used to. Walking up the hill doesn’t seem as light and vibrant as it once did. There’s a weight present that, despite shaking out your pack again and again, doesn’t seem to lighten.
So I’ve been feeling into that place in my heart where the wound didn’t quite heal right.
This morning Jessica Delmar put out a newsletter, speaking to the “open heart” energy that December is inviting in (listen to it here). She used the metaphor of a breakthrough on the way, like a dam breaking open through a “cauterization” that once occurred, a blockage that took place in order to keep the wound from spreading.
I feel that cauterization deeply.
Like sitting in front of a wall, I’ve starred at this thing for a long damn time, years, wondering what steps are required to let the release happen. Is it a good cry? A level of forgiveness that goes deeper than any of the journeys I’ve already completed? Am I supposed to sacrifice a goat or something? (Kidding, I’ve attended goat sacrifices in India and I think I’ve had my fill for a lifetime).
I’ve sat and prayed in front of oceans in Central America, walked 350 miles along the Camino of Santiago from France to Spain, pushed past it into deeper sickness by throwing myself into workaholism trying to break through this wound. I’ve drank many a bottle of wine trying to numb it when meditating, journaling and breathing around it hasn’t seemed to help.
Thus, I’ve come to normalize its presence in my life.
That wound in which I speak wasn’t even the wounding that occurs from interpersonal trauma that passes from one person to another- it was beyond the scenario that played out… It’s timing, it’s delivery, it’s function… It was a catalyst that exposed the even deeper origins of suffering in my life: the pain of relationship, the anger of abandonment, the mistrust of the physical human experience and an innate fear and rejection of existence itself.
And that's often how our traumas work. They're complex and while they may seem to come from one place, in actuality they are fueled by an accumulation of deeper pangs and anguishes we've developed over lifetimes.
When this particular wounding happened, I felt my heart space rip open, a huge ass hole that ate away at me as I wept for weeks. The rip is not a metaphor. It was physical, excruciating pain. There seemed no end to it, until I eventually felt the cauterizing, the slow callousing take place. I felt the wrath within my bones, the closure of the heart, because to keep feeling the pain was too much to bare. Plus, there were classes to get to, papers to write, social events to attend and eventually a plane to catch. I couldn’t participate in life with that much pain so I cut it off.
The thing is, we create blockages to protect ourselves, but the very same blockages come back to haunt us in other problematic ways. Mine, beyond the associated pain in the heart space, cut off certain flows I need to feel my best, and other health issues have ensued from the eclipsing of my ability to project my energy field consistently as I used to.
So that’s where I’m at, sitting in front of this ol’ wound of mine, staying curious as I notice movement behind it, wondering what this break is going to look like if and when it decides to finally break through. Wondering if it does break open, what will come next… For my business and my heart.
As I move through this holiday season, I’m taking on minimal clients as I give myself the spaciousness to hear my internal worlds, to feel into the shifts, and make room for the next stage of my personal evolution. I am still taking on clients though here and there if you're the right fit, see below for more details.
I will be working on putting out more newsletters, and will also be getting my youtube channel back up and going now that some new tech has arrived- likely just after the new year. Be sure to subscribe to both!
With deep reverence for the diversity and uniqueness of these journeys we all find ourselves on, I hope you too are paying attention to the areas of your life that are shifting and evolving as we prep for the new year to come. Navigating the holidays can bring up a lot, so be kind to yourselves and others.
If you would like a guide to explore what's coming up, I am here for you (and much better equipped to bring clarity to your inner worlds than I am at my own sometimes, ha!). Just see my reviews if you wanna here about first hand experiences.
Email me at email@example.com to schedule a transformational soul journeying session.